Practice the Pause

I want to give in but I know I have to hold on…a ‘lil longer…whatever it takes.

We are all struggling spirits…we are not perfect…but we’re trying our very best.

Sigh!

We are all tired.

I miss happy thoughts.

And after letting out all of our honest emotions, we are reminded to practice the pause…

Practice the pause

When in doubt, practice the pause.

When angry, practice the pause.

When tired, practice the pause.

When stressed, practice the pause.

Breathe…

Clear the mind…

View from a different perspective…

Smile…

Laugh…

Sleep…

Dream…

Breathe…

Even your heart needs rest.

:)

*Got this from a forwarded text message by a friend.

Looking Forward

I’m bombarded with strong and hurtful words. But I permit it because I know she has to have an outlet and I want it to be me and to no one else...because I can take it after years of knowing her. She’s my self-proclaimed sister after all...my irreplaceable and God-sent sister. I permit it because I deserve it. I bombarded her with my embarrassing and obtuse actions to begin with. But why did I hurt her if I value our relationship this much? It wasn’t deliberate, but that’s another story to tell.

But still she puts her mind into it. She puts sense into my dim-witted blind spots. She’s extremely hurt but forgiving. Makes me all the more worse about myself when I recall my stupidity and lack of a better judgment. She handles it with dignity. I admire her for that.

Taking full responsibility for my actions...blaming no one...not even him. No point dwelling in the past but I have learned a great deal. It’s time to look forward for the chance to try again...to prove my worth and my sincerity. I’m smarter this time...no more blind spots about the issue. I can now play the role with greater understanding of its meaning...appreciating its value...and knowing its depth.

I am very hopeful but also very scared. She gives me pieces of her confidence...slowly but surely. And I continue praying not just for me but for my dearest friends as well...for all of us...for we are all in this together. We are our people. We support each other. That’s the way it should have been...should be...and will ever be.

The Many Faces of Hope

Do you know what the face of hope looks like?

Hope has many faces.

Though I can’t describe them in words for they are far too many for me to dwell on, I look at these images and I see hope...

I rest my hope with my faith in God…that in His time things will be revealed to me.

Right now, I have to forgive myself…for me. I have to look forward. I cannot dwell with what might have been. I have to accept this and rise from it though I carry a heavy heart. I must. And I’ll keep telling this to myself. But this load…He will carry for me because I am weak and lost without Him. And so I turn to Him.

But all of the atonements have been dealt with painstakingly before I have decided to pardon my faults.

I am a face of hope.


*images taken from:
www.worldofstock.com/closeups/
www.avidami.wordpress.com
www.ourownvoice.com

Letting It Out

It’s quite busy at work right now. I keep my silence but my mind is screaming, my heart wants to burst. It really hurts. I want to breakdown right here, right now…but they wouldn’t understand…it’s a personal issue that I shouldn’t be bringing with me to work. And so I write just to let it all out. Tears keep falling but I’m trying to regain composure. It’s really hard to pretend but they do not notice. It’s better this way.

Listening to my iPod trying to block-off the thoughts of what transpired to last night’s mourning and what was on the mind of a very aggrieved friend. And I carry this burden because I am not sure if I am the only one who shares her pain to those of us who know the whole story and the two or many sides of it all…I hope not. I do not want to make excuses anymore or analyze and reason out my confusion and my actions at that time, because it won’t make the situation any better…it won’t make my mistakes seem reasonable…she won’t accept it…I do not accept it either. At the very end of it all I know I did wrong no matter how they or I try to make it seem…I did wrong no matter how things actually did happen. Just no more excuses and just accept fault. I am sorry, ashamed, and stupid for doing what I did or did not do.

Why is this happening? Why does it have to be her? Why me? Why? Why? Why?

So many thoughts racing through my mind right now and it confuses and hurts me all the more. I need a breather. I need a quiet time to think, to be still…so I can hear Him clearly.

Still hopeful. Praying really hard for it.

Lessons Learned

We live with expectations. No question about that.

Our expectations are based on the trust we have established.

These trusts aren’t only words or thoughts made up. It is with faith, honor, respect, value, consideration, hope and love.

So what happens when our expectations are not met?

What happens when our expectations on that trust bend?

All that talk about honor, respect, value, consideration, hope and love goes down the drain.

We are left with broken hearts.

We are left with utter confusion.

We are left with the question why?

We are left jaded with explanations that lead to the tragic experience.

We are left with hard realizations.

We are left with extreme remorse.

Lessons learned.

But there is no quick fix to healing wounds.

Trying to repair the damage done through rebuilding of trust. Giving it freedom of time.

So again…living with expectations…can’t really control that…because I am hopeful.