This Is It!

I’ve been waiting for the right timing. I guess this is it. This is the sign.

It has been bothering me, affecting my work. I’ve been confused, though I know the obvious…or rather, I know the obvious, but I’m just so attached. Attached to everyone, and so used to this life of 5 years. But I guess it’s time to move on…time to close this chapter and open a new one. I expected another 2 or 3 months. I never expected it to be this soon, because I thought I would prepare myself, prepare my thoughts, prepare what to say, plan everything so it would be easy. I guess it’s never easy to say good-bye. Now it makes me sad, but this is for the best - hoping for the best.

It's Not Just A Ride

i miss riding my bike
and just feeling the cool wind on my face
as i breeze the streets.
i miss the inner peace of observing the streets
and enjoying the moment.
i miss the freedom of racing with my biking partner.
i miss wearing my helmet and gloves.
i miss mounting and dismounting bikes on the pickup.
i miss stretching.
i miss sweat and tiredness from a good workout.
i miss exercise and just feeling healthy, adventurous and active.



*taken from http://www.nutsbike.com/tag/bike

Wasting Time

I found my way through this blogger, and enjoyed wasting my time reading through "Oohhh..Lala!!!".

An excerpt -

"Aside from being immersed in different cultures, reliving history, enjoying art and food...the best thing traveling has taught me is HUMILITY. You realize that you are but a small entity in this big,big universe. Ang tendency kasi kapag dito ka lang sa Pilipinas, you become complacent. You know your environment so well, you feel you can go through life blindfolded. you stop asking questions, you stop trying new things, you stick to the cycle. But when you're in a new place, every person is a stranger and everyday is a new adventure. Travel is the best life teacher." (Friday, March 16, 2007 || Patty Laurel)

I've always dreamed of traveling the world - exploring, experiencing, living.

Think Long-term

Am I brave enough to leave the borders of security and trust the universe?

Am I ready to leave the goods for more experience, knowledge and growth – the intangibles of life – which for me, is more rich, fruitful, fulfilling.

Big move; bold move.

I’m taking this chance for our future.

I’m excited and nervous.

Though you give me vague and insubstantial answers to my pressures, I have faith in you.

This faith should and must overcome my uncertainties.

I am open, willing and trusting.

We are in this together…forever.

Mornings @ 6

I’ve noticed a drastic change during my weekday mornings. Since the condo is still under renovation, my husband and I have been staying at their home for a good 3 weeks. This is advantageous and practical since it’s closer to my office than previous.

I would still set the alarm at 6:00am; getup 15 to 20 minutes later to do my rituals of getting ready for work. The difference is remarkable!

Before, when I came from the south, I would leave home w/o makeup, w/o brushing my hair, and with an empty stomach. I’d better be on the road before 7:00am to avoid heavy traffic. I would have to drive a good 1hour or more dropping my Mom off at her office in Makati, then speed to Ortigas with all the hassles of the road. By the time I get to the office, I look so harassed. Hehehe! Then after work, we have to let the rush hour traffic pass before heading home. This is about 10 in the evening. But that’s the way of life from the south. You get used to it and we’re just thankful for the safe travels.

Now, it’s just so convenient; I’m amazed! The past few weeks my stomach is full before leaving at around 7:30am and get to work by 8:00am more or less, with a driver. The most wonderful thing is that this time I get to put on my makeup and brush my hair. Stress free! Then after work, I get more time for sleep!!! Hmmm…wonderful!

Despite all that, I still miss home in the south especially my family, my bed, my stuff, my space. But it’s different now, and I am looking forward to new beginnings.

You are My Home

So happy waking up next to you and bidding the good night beside you.

But I guess we can’t have it all...

I yearn for you in these lonely hours, sitting on this chair all day. I’d rather argue with you than interact with this machine.

I want to go home! Home is wherever you are.

2010 March 27

I attempted to create a wedding website using Wedding Announcer last September, unfortunately I couldn't do much with it - adding photos and music were not working. I found out today from one of their forums that the admin is sick and is out indefinitely, and no one else can administer. So instead of creating another wedding website, I thought I would just post here what I have created so far. It's only two pages anyway - the 'Welcome' and 'About Us' pages. Hehe.

This is how the Welcome page looks like -

Since my 'About Us' is quite long, I'll just post the whole composition -

Our Story
It all started in High School...

We were High School classmates in Colegio San Agustin, Makati. It was 'love at first sight' for Moch during our freshman year (hihihi! I was 'loveable' daw e). But nothing transpired. We weren't even friends then. In Sophomore year we became seatmates. I thought he was a snob or just too shy because he wouldn't speak or even look my way. Literally isang tanong, isang sagot lang siya. The first time I remember him speak to me was during our Report Card distribution that summer of '99. That was because we ran into each other in the hallway and I said 'Hi!' to him. That night, he called me up at home, said 'I love you', and started courting me from then on. He wasted no time! :D (Well that's because this was his 2nd life after his 50-50 Dengue scare). But I thought that was weird. Who says 'I love you' on their first conversation? He told me to give him a chance, so I did.


The courtship wasn't smooth-sailing...

Allow me to cut this story short and fast forward (both of us don't want to look back anymore at our Junior year in HS, especially Prom! In short, I turned him down and he was heart-broken. tsk, tsk, tsk). The only time we really got to know each other was during our graduation year. (Oh diba, he still befriended me after I turned him down) Hindi naman sa makapal ang mukha ko pero he was really crazy about me like a blind follower. Those times I really wondred why (Hehe!). We became close friends, and I slowly got to know the real him, and it carried-on until Freshman year in the University of Asia and the Pacific. However, we were not on the same page with regards to our level of 'Friendship'. I knew I wasn't ready then for a serious relationship. All I could offer was friendship. After almost 3 years of patiently courting me on and off, friendship just wasn't enough for him (Grabe sama ko noh!?) He decided to let go and move on, so ofcourse I let him. And so we lived to do our own thing separately without communication. Awww! :(


"You don't know what you got 'til it's gone"...

Ours was a classic case...well, at least for me. It was hard for me then to accept that I fell for this guy. I knew I held my feelings back. I wasn't being honest to myself, but I believe I was just being fair because I was afraid and knew I was confused. Fortunately, as fate would have its way, God had to send little Mr. Cupid in the persona of Ronald Chan to bridge our communication gap (yes! special mention. haha!). He urged Moch to text me and find out how I was. I politely replied, and so the friendship revived through text after more than a year of communication lull. (Thank God for text messaging! hehe). That's when I realized that I super missed this guy. It dawned to me that I almost let this one get away! In short, God gave me a chance to correct my mistake. He gave 'Us' another chance.


"Love is sweeter the 2nd time around..."

Valentine's was just around the corner after we started communicating again. Ayan na! He bravely took another chance with me. After maturing and finally coming to terms with my feelings, I accepted a romantic doube-date Valentine's dinner in Tagayatay. Oh diba, ang sarap magpakatotoo! And so we started going out again.


March 22, 2003...

This was the day my heart said 'Yes' to Moch even before he asked me to be his girl. :)

I couldn't hide the fact that God wanted us to be together. I knew we had his blessing. I believe Moch is my soulmate. He is God-given. Who am I to decline? I already did once, twice. Ang sarap mauntog! Hahaha! :D

There were a lot of humps along the way especially in our 1st year, but I'm glad we've surpassed them. So far, from our 6 years of being together, I could say that we've been through a lot. Nandyan na ang selos, petty fights, impatience, accidents, vices, sickness, different view points and interests that you argue about...you name it. But ofcourse those were all overshadowed by the love, care, thoughtfulness, patience, understanding, compromise, time, support, dreams and prayers we've showered into our relationship. And I believe we've extended that to our respective families and friends. At this point, we're still continuing to grow and learn from each other. It has been a wonderful journey and we're truly blessed.


The planned proposal (that I spoiled!)...

It's not really a surprise anymore that we are going to get married. A lot of our close friends knew it was bound to happen. It was really just a matter of 'When?' He actually asked me if I wanted to marry him July of 2008 (take note, asked, not proposed. hehe) Since Moch's late father, Tito Art, was diagnosed with cancer last year, Moch wanted his father to be present when his eldest son gets married (ofcourse, so do I). They were in Guangzhou then treating Tito Art's cancer when Moch called me through Skype. He told me that his dad might not make it to our wedding next year (we promised each other we would like to get married in 2010 but nothing definite yet), so he asked me if I wanted to get married as soon as possible. I had to decline. It's not me being selfish or anything, but my eldest brother and my now sister-in-law were already preparing for their wedding that December. I just couldn't take that away from them and get ahead of them. Plus, my family and I weren't really prepared. Ofcourse Moch understood, but I told him to ask me again after my brother's wedding in December 30, 2008.

Not long after (this was January 2009), Moch kept telling me he wanted to go on a vacation in Boracay on our 6th anniversary, just the two of us. Suddenly I remembered what I told him last July to 'ask me again'. So I thought, 'Is he planning to propose in Boracay?' but I brushed it aside. I didn't want to expect.


Then the spoiler!

I confirmed my initial hunch. I found out there was a proposal in the making, and it was going to happen soon! I read his text messages to and from his cousin regarding engagement rings. Pano kasi he left his cellphone with me. I don't usually check his messages but an unusual voice inside my head (aka curiosity) told me to read his messages. The messages that caught me were all about diamond rings and diamond cuts, and how he wanted to remodel his mom's heirloom jewelry ring. So I just put the pieces of the puzzle together -- Boracay + 6th anniversary + diamond ring = marriage proposal! :D Hahahaha! The moment I found out I just couldn't hide my excitement! (Moch really can't keep secrets from me!) Without thinking, I eventually told him I already knew about his plans. So he decided to change the Boracay proposal and go for Plan B. (Shucks! Sayang ang Boracay proposal I later realized!). There wasn't really any Plan B. Now he was pressured to think of how to surprise me. His challenge was to pop the question the least day and place I would expect.


The actual proposal...

Without any suspense...on Friday, February 20, 2009, past the hour of 8 in the evening, he proposed in my office, particularly infront of the elevators of 8/f Jollibee Centre, of all places! Hahaha! Oh diba, least place I would expect talaga! He first surprised me with a bouquet of beautiful flowers (I thought he was just making-up for being 2 hours late!!! My hands were already shaking from hunger). He gave me the flowers, then suddenly he knelt on his right knee, took out a box and opened it...Wow! I was awe-stricken. My hunger pangs went away.

Inside the box was a beautiful two-toned .9 carat round-cut diamond ring, size 5. ;)

"Will you marry me?"

Without hesitation (duh!), I said "Yes!".

He took the ring from the box, reached for my left hand and wore it on my ring finger. Perfect fit.

"Ito na pala yun!", I said laughing while teary-eyed. I got him up and just hugged him as tears flowed down my eyes.

It was a feeling I've never felt before. I was ecstatic like I was floating, and I just kept staring at the ring. I felt like I was transported to wonderland and didn't mind that we were in an old, unromantic office building.

I thought to myself, "Wow! I'm engaged. I'm getting married to my one true love, my soulmate. Wow!" It was a walk in the clouds.

It was beautiful. Pure bliss.


*Shared by the Bride. September 2009.

To God Be the Glory

The world doesn't stop. If you do, you'll be left behind.
So do you follow the world?
Let the world follow your lead.
But will the world follow?
Do what you can. Do what you must. Do it not for yourself.
Do it for the greater glory of God. +

On Getting Married...

Can’t wait for 2010 to come! Just want to breeze through this year. Excited more than nervous.

I love it! :)

5 months elapsed. 8 more to go!

Left Behind

Am I the only one that’s left behind?
Still lurking in the shadows
Without grace
Without soul
Only discontentment
Efforts left void.

Am I an asset or futile?
When will I be heard?
When will I be seen?
When will my moment come?
I’ve been waiting patiently
For time to pass.

Questions lingering
Hope remains
In this wretched façade
Eager to uncover
The insecurity remains…
Will I ever get to that point?
Or, will I remain left behind?

No Secrets in Love

There is no secret formula for love. A successful relationship is not measured by its length but by its depth. You work things out. Sometimes you compromise, and oftentimes you just give in. You can get what you want but you can also loose yourself. You can fall in and out of love. It’s a constant change and beguiling of the heart. You must gratify and be satisfied. It’s reality and everyday is a discovery. It’s a learning process that you go through. It’s a tough challenge mentally, physically and emotionally. It’s open to all, but not everyone is ready to influence and be transformed.

Domestic Mayhem

Who wants domestic dispute?

Probably nobody.

But when we’re at this point, what is worth fighting over family ties?

Let me see...

Respect?
Value of a person?
Individual needs?

Every family member has different points of view, approaches, styles, needs and interests. Each individual needs to be heard. The leader needs to, not only be in charge, but also guide and be open-minded. The same goes to everyone else. Members are at liberty to listen, to ask and to know. Opinions need be considered and deliberated, and not just discounted without noteworthy justification. It’s not that there is no trust. But you cannot leave a person in the dark that is very much involved in the matter as a member of the family. It matters to understand to avoid disagreement. Don’t you think so?

Ultimately, everyone’s goal is for the well being not just for oneself, but also of the kin. However, to get to the goal everything needs to be put in place. Set objectives, boundaries, priorities, agreements and tasks because, as what was said, each member of the family is different. It’s the responsible thing to do.

What about emotions?

Emotions come naturally. But it needs to be tempered. It would be very hard to manage but be vigilant about it.

Issues and concerns need to be resolved. I would say being emotional about it is healthy at a certain height. There should be room for it. What’s terrible is when members become apathetic about it because then they just give up disinterested without working for or fighting for a resolution. They become insincere and ineffective. What then is the point?

But then again, what do I really know? It’s just my view, outside looking in.

I am helpless but hopeful.

I believe family ties are valuable. But the family can only thrive and function fittingly taking into account respect and value of each person and his individual needs. Only then should the family make up its collective and common goal.

The Legacy of an Idiosyncratic World

Don't you find it strange?
How many look but don't see
Hear but don't listen
Speak but don't communicate
Study but don't learn
Love but don't commit
Exist but don't live.

It's a world of peculiarities
Of fears and risks
Full of possibilities
Changing and hopeful
Sometimes trapped
In the abyss of solitude
Confusion and desolation.

Others give in
Others give up
But there are those
Who still fight
Struggle and persist
Everything they have
Everything they are.

They are triumphant
Not to see the end
Nor even cherish the fruits
But one who has left
To the children of the future
Victory valued on account
A legacy worth living...
And worth dying for.

I Want! but...Am Not!

Going culinary in the kitchen ala chef.

Shooting for the stars writing a book or a column.

An entrepreneur queen-bee of 'donotknowwhatyet'.

Traveling cultural adventures around the world.

Smart, rich, sexy and beautiful all rolled into one.

A girl can dream. It's possible.

The Craze

What is everyone crazy about these days?

CITISECONLINE!!!

Sheesh! Hahaha! :D

The highs and lows of the Philippine Stock Market... It's a hit because it gives YOU buying power! It has become an obsession as far as my friends at work are concerned. I wonder when I'll be joining the craze. Hmmm... I need mula! I want Jollibee stocks! Soon!

Happy buying to my friends! :)

Lost Souls

Lost boy, what do you want?
Lost child, what can you say?
Lost soul, where are you?
Where are you coming from?

What do you want?
I seek to understand.
What can you say?
I'm here to listen.
Where are you?
I am here, waiting.

There's so much trouble in this world.
Choose your battles well.
You cannot win them all.
Acclaim victory to none but this.

Do not give in.
Do not give up.
Apathy is creeping.
Do not let it succeed.
Let your troubles be not left in vain.

Fight.
Struggle.
You win some.
Fight.
Struggle.
You lose some.

Fight for what's yours.
Fight for your principles.
Fight for love.
Fight for what is right.

It is a challenge.
It will not come easy.
As you pass through the fire
Then shall you see with clarity.

So now tell me...

Lost boy, what do you want?
Lost child, what can you say?
Lost soul, where are you?
Where are you coming from?

I Hate Break-ups

Impassive expression.

Empty promises.

False hope.

Cyclical error.

Abused compassion.

Neglected virtue.

Meaningless words.

Confused thoughts.

Broken hearts.

Lost soul.

Love destruction.

Faults realized.

Biased accord.

Motionless decree.

Tumultuous peace.

Drifted apart.

Uncontainable emotions

Undeniable truth.

Vague conditions.

Shattered dreams.

Half-dead spirit.

I hate break-ups!

images: www.salecatcher.com and sweetnostalgia.wordpress.com

Guangzhou Experience

I will enumerate, in no particular order, the things I did in Guangzhou China that I’ve never experienced back home in Manila:

1. Travel alone via plane to and from Guangzhou (or anywhere for that matter).
2. Lodge in a hospital for 5 days.
3. Sleep in a hospital bed for 5 nights.
4. Spend my 25^th birthday (I’ll never be 25 again on my other birthdays to come, right?).
5. I got to see a live polar bear!
6. I got to see an elephant play soccer, bow, sit and do a headstand.
7. I got to see the largest safari park in China (with 333 hectares of land) and all the other animals I got to see for the 1^st time.
8. I got to bring my own grocery cart in the grocery store.
9. I got to pack my own grocery (w/o plastic bags) in the grocery cart.
10. I got to pull my own grocery cart from the grocery back to the hospital.
11. Heard mass surrounded by Chinese and Nigerian.
12. Sharing a table with a stranger to eat at a restaurant.
13. Ride an ambulance (from the airport to the hospital).
14. The hand & foot spa service of a Chinese.
15. People staring at me because I speak alien to them. Hehehe!
16. Going to Guangzhou’s entertainment place – by the Pearl River. A night of dancing, tai chi, badminton, juggling, biking, roller skating, jogging, dog-walking, etc.

Things I did in Guangzhou I wish I’d do back home:

1. Walk! Walk! Walk…and more walking!
2. Take the subway to go around the city (MRT & LRT for Manila).
3. Get to admire the lighted skyscrapers at night.

Things in Guangzhou that reminded me of Manila:

1. Shopping! Shopping! Shopping…and more shopping in Divisoria-like and Greenhills-like shopping centers.
2. Tea, dumplings and chopsticks.
3. Hand & foot spa service.
4. Chinatown – the food, the smell, the place, the people.
5. The Pearl River reminded me of Pasig River and Baywalk combined.
6. The Almeda’s.

This is my 5-day Guangzhou experience. Personal, unique and unforgettable.

Finding Myself In Me

We are all uniquely messed up. I have families and close friends burdened with the loss of a loved one, lovers breaking-up, familial and financial problems here and there, personal and work issues troubling, even soul-searching and finding one’s purpose becomes more apparent than usual.

This so-called quarter life crisis is really bugging. Now I begin to see and experience for myself the complexities we get ourselves into. The world is testing my character. All those experiences I have gone through in the past suddenly make sense…suddenly gains meaning and value in my life.

After college and getting into a stable job…I prep myself to the next level. Then suddenly, without warning, I’m living in the next level. It scares me sometimes how the responsibilities are passed down to me, and how decision-making can most of the time be instantaneous, that no matter how hard I try to plan and budget, not everything is in the palm of my hands to control. But the funny thing is, in the end, it will all work out, not just the way I expected it to be.

Everything is a balance. True, but easier said than done. Imagine, juggling your time for family, work, friends, spirituality, fitness, entertainment, and what not. Sometimes it’s just too much and it becomes really exhausting that you just want a timeout to sit back and relax. Even that you have to have time for. I think people who have this kind of lifestyle just want more out of life to the point that they want to try everything there is. The bottom line is we are searching for that something that can fill us. We are searching for that something or someone that makes us feel alive.

And sometimes we forget our purpose and meaning because we want to get to that point quickly. We want to get ahead of others that in the process we don’t realize we got ourselves into the rat race. And what we thought was a short cut suddenly became an endless cycle of temporal value, where our “yes” becomes automatic and time is of relevance to how we live our lives. We just continue to want and swallow what we think we can handle. As we live in this kind of cycle, our web continues to grow. Our reach of the world can be found in one tube as we find ourselves living in globalization.

Back to the basics – I miss the experience of having to go through the whole process from beginning to end; I would want to experience living in the moment rather than immediate result or output (although this is subjective). There are just things that cannot be fast-forwarded – like experiencing and living life right here, right now even though at the moment we are at our worst. The beauty of it all is in the journey of life – the bits and pieces of stories behind the book cover.

No matter how messed up we seem to be, we just have to continue to strive to be better than our best. It’s in our nature after all. We have to continue to plan and budget, to work and relax, to enjoy and struggle. We have to make the most of what we have and sometimes more. The more we put ourselves out there, the more we discover not only the world, but also ourselves. We are who we are, and we become what we do – the choices that we make. So just live and be alive for yourself and the people around you because you will not find yourself in others. You will find yourself within you. You are what makes you alive.

Humdrum Moments

Humdrum moments get me thinking…

Should I stay or should I go? The logical thing to do is stay. But the heart says, “Go, escape, be free!”

But then what?

Then my question is left hanging. My idea remains to be just a thought…a foolish one at that.

But the soul is searching. I want more out of life. I want to be fulfilled with my day job. I want it to be meaningful. I want it to make sense. I want it not just to be about money.

But the money factor is most of the time (if not always) tempting.

I know many share this dilemma. But what can we really do about it? Can we sacrifice the money factor in a materialistic 3^rd world and still do what we love?

Another question is…do you really know what your passion is or
where it lies?

What is it all about?

Then I remember a line from a prayer…”Stretch me, Lord, I will not limit Your gifts by my perceptions of what I can handle.”

So I sit quietly and pray to the Holy Spirit.

Suddenly, my mind is awakened. I don’t know all the answers to my questions nor know what it is really all about. But I know this…

I know I have an unrevealed purpose in life, and that I must continue to search endlessly…beyond the ends of the earth. I know there is something greater than life here on earth. And yes I believe in life after death.

So all these humdrum moments are just reminders that everyday is a constant struggle…everyday is a journey…everyday is a battle. It is not everyday that the whole universe conspires to break you…because it can also make you. Actually, it is you who decides if the world will work for you or not. The opportunities are out there and it is our choice to take it.

And so I mark this day - 20^th of August, year 2008 exactly 2:22 in the afternoon, the battle won against humdrum moments.

*image taken from www.thefreedictionary.com