Finding Myself In Me

We are all uniquely messed up. I have families and close friends burdened with the loss of a loved one, lovers breaking-up, familial and financial problems here and there, personal and work issues troubling, even soul-searching and finding one’s purpose becomes more apparent than usual.

This so-called quarter life crisis is really bugging. Now I begin to see and experience for myself the complexities we get ourselves into. The world is testing my character. All those experiences I have gone through in the past suddenly make sense…suddenly gains meaning and value in my life.

After college and getting into a stable job…I prep myself to the next level. Then suddenly, without warning, I’m living in the next level. It scares me sometimes how the responsibilities are passed down to me, and how decision-making can most of the time be instantaneous, that no matter how hard I try to plan and budget, not everything is in the palm of my hands to control. But the funny thing is, in the end, it will all work out, not just the way I expected it to be.

Everything is a balance. True, but easier said than done. Imagine, juggling your time for family, work, friends, spirituality, fitness, entertainment, and what not. Sometimes it’s just too much and it becomes really exhausting that you just want a timeout to sit back and relax. Even that you have to have time for. I think people who have this kind of lifestyle just want more out of life to the point that they want to try everything there is. The bottom line is we are searching for that something that can fill us. We are searching for that something or someone that makes us feel alive.

And sometimes we forget our purpose and meaning because we want to get to that point quickly. We want to get ahead of others that in the process we don’t realize we got ourselves into the rat race. And what we thought was a short cut suddenly became an endless cycle of temporal value, where our “yes” becomes automatic and time is of relevance to how we live our lives. We just continue to want and swallow what we think we can handle. As we live in this kind of cycle, our web continues to grow. Our reach of the world can be found in one tube as we find ourselves living in globalization.

Back to the basics – I miss the experience of having to go through the whole process from beginning to end; I would want to experience living in the moment rather than immediate result or output (although this is subjective). There are just things that cannot be fast-forwarded – like experiencing and living life right here, right now even though at the moment we are at our worst. The beauty of it all is in the journey of life – the bits and pieces of stories behind the book cover.

No matter how messed up we seem to be, we just have to continue to strive to be better than our best. It’s in our nature after all. We have to continue to plan and budget, to work and relax, to enjoy and struggle. We have to make the most of what we have and sometimes more. The more we put ourselves out there, the more we discover not only the world, but also ourselves. We are who we are, and we become what we do – the choices that we make. So just live and be alive for yourself and the people around you because you will not find yourself in others. You will find yourself within you. You are what makes you alive.

Humdrum Moments

Humdrum moments get me thinking…

Should I stay or should I go? The logical thing to do is stay. But the heart says, “Go, escape, be free!”

But then what?

Then my question is left hanging. My idea remains to be just a thought…a foolish one at that.

But the soul is searching. I want more out of life. I want to be fulfilled with my day job. I want it to be meaningful. I want it to make sense. I want it not just to be about money.

But the money factor is most of the time (if not always) tempting.

I know many share this dilemma. But what can we really do about it? Can we sacrifice the money factor in a materialistic 3^rd world and still do what we love?

Another question is…do you really know what your passion is or
where it lies?

What is it all about?

Then I remember a line from a prayer…”Stretch me, Lord, I will not limit Your gifts by my perceptions of what I can handle.”

So I sit quietly and pray to the Holy Spirit.

Suddenly, my mind is awakened. I don’t know all the answers to my questions nor know what it is really all about. But I know this…

I know I have an unrevealed purpose in life, and that I must continue to search endlessly…beyond the ends of the earth. I know there is something greater than life here on earth. And yes I believe in life after death.

So all these humdrum moments are just reminders that everyday is a constant struggle…everyday is a journey…everyday is a battle. It is not everyday that the whole universe conspires to break you…because it can also make you. Actually, it is you who decides if the world will work for you or not. The opportunities are out there and it is our choice to take it.

And so I mark this day - 20^th of August, year 2008 exactly 2:22 in the afternoon, the battle won against humdrum moments.

*image taken from www.thefreedictionary.com

The Battle Won

I am late by a minute

To work hours and hours

As each day passes

Turned into months

Since you’ve been gone.

Oh how time flies

In this agonizing phase

Of waiting and wondering

Tell me

When will you be home?

I’ve been staring into oblivion

Wishing, hoping

That I could be with you

That I could share in your joy

And in your pain.

I know it’s been very hard

To put up this façade

To be away from home

To feel helpless

To see your love one suffer.

But you remain dedicated

Strong and unwavering

Full of hope

Living by faith

As you surrender all your fears unto Him.

You will hear no qualms

Only encouragement

So do not worry

It’s not always about me

For I will be patient.

I am one with you in this

I have seen for myself

My prayers are committed

To the healing

Of mind, body and spirit.

Man has endured well

As he fights the good fight

This battle has already been won

For him

By Him.

He will let you see

He will let you feel

His goodness

His greatness

His love.

He will reveal

And you will understand

You will believe

You will accept

His will be done.

In Memoriam

Stare into space, stare into nothingness.

Gaze into my eyes, straight and deep.

Look into me, search for my soul.

Find meaning in my eyes, find me if you can.

I’m drowning in sorrow, blurred in these tears.

I have lost a piece of me when I lost you.

The morning-after has come.

The sun has risen but it was overshadowed.

Dark days of pouring rain…cold and gloomy nights…crying in the shadows.

Better days will come...

But for now let me mourn a great loss.

You will always be appreciated, loved and remembered.


r.i.p. jp (6.13.08)
for you pangit! i'm here for you.

Missing.Waiting.Yearning.

So far so good…

So far I can take it…

So far I can manage…

So far I’ve been missing you a whole lot!

I can’t wait to see you…

Can’t wait to be close to you…

Can’t wait to hold your hand…

I just can’t wait.

No more waiting…

I’m coming…

I’m going…

I’ll be there!

Come for me …

Look for me in that crowded hall…

Look for that familiar face…

Never taking your eyes off of that teary-eyed girl with an earnest smile.

Take me with open arms…

Shower me with warm butterfly kisses…

Hand in hand, step by step…

We will journey this foreign city.

I know this feeling…

I know this heartbeat…

I’ll remember this moment…

Elated once more.

We will celebrate our momentary reunion…

We will drink to our quarter-life…

We will offer enduring support and affection…

And we will part satisfied and yearning for more.

25 Ways Anne Sees Mela…

1. I look at you and I see our childhood days…the girl I constantly exchanged letters with…my 24/7…my Romy and Michelle.
2. I look at you and I see Tito Caesar…tall and brilliant. :)
3. I look at you and I see friendship and sisterhood.
4. I look at you and I see home and comfort.
5. I look at you and I see wisdom.
6. I look at you and I see hard work.
7. I look at you and I see depth.
8. I look at you and I see a picture of hope.
9. I look at you and I see honesty.
10. I look at you and I see a responsible leader…a role model.
11. I look at you and I see my angel heaven-sent.
12. I look at you and I see a blessing.
13. I look at you and I see pure heart…a woman for others.
14. I look at you and I see a girl searching for herself…challenging her limits …striving for perfection.
15. I look at you and I see a lady with style, grace, elegance and passion.
16. I look at you and I see values, principles and idealism.
17. I look at you and I see love and compassion.
18. I look at you and I see trust.
19. I look at you and I see forgiveness and understanding.
20. I look at you and I see beautiful.
21. I look at you and I see spirited life…feisty, strong-willed and adventurous.
22. I look at you and I see happiness…even in the smallest and simplest of things.
23. I look at you and I see extraordinary…cream of the crop!
24. I look at you and I see my Maid of Honor!
25. I look at you and I see a girl who just turned 25!

Just sharing this piece I wrote for my best friend's 25th (06.05.08). And tonight...we are going to party hard!

xoxo

Star Highway

Take me for a ride

Down the stretch of the highway

A road to nowhere

Where adventure awaits

Possibilities endless.

Surrounded with greens and browns,

Blues and whites

A delightful journey

I'd gladly take with you.

*While traversing Star Highway in Batangas to San Juan :)

1st Quarter

After the holiday season, my world has been wrapped-up around work. My energy has been consumed in this whirlwind of projects and tasks. No time to vent. I just took it all in…swallowed hard…dealt with it. Good for me, I guess. So much has happened…a lot of things evaded. I cannot recount anymore. It all happened so fast like a gush of wind blowing east to west and then still. Still I need to be for this week. Then we resume once more the following week until I cannot take it any longer. I want my life back…or has it come to this?

Beautiful Mornings

Beautiful Mornings are hassle-free mornings. Free from traffic stress…free from pestering words…free from brutal force and ignorant deeds…but not withstanding life’s challenges rather welcoming them and turning them into positive energy.

Beautiful Mornings are thoughtful and polite “Good Morning!” from loved ones and whom you pass by. Where morning dew is not just from a scent of cologne…where driving is pleasurable…where coffee makes you awake more than ever…where writing becomes casual thoughts of appreciation.

“Your thankfulness is your seal of approval upon My glad gifts to you!”

-A line from Good Morning...GOD

Practice the Pause

I want to give in but I know I have to hold on…a ‘lil longer…whatever it takes.

We are all struggling spirits…we are not perfect…but we’re trying our very best.

Sigh!

We are all tired.

I miss happy thoughts.

And after letting out all of our honest emotions, we are reminded to practice the pause…

Practice the pause

When in doubt, practice the pause.

When angry, practice the pause.

When tired, practice the pause.

When stressed, practice the pause.

Breathe…

Clear the mind…

View from a different perspective…

Smile…

Laugh…

Sleep…

Dream…

Breathe…

Even your heart needs rest.

:)

*Got this from a forwarded text message by a friend.

Looking Forward

I’m bombarded with strong and hurtful words. But I permit it because I know she has to have an outlet and I want it to be me and to no one else...because I can take it after years of knowing her. She’s my self-proclaimed sister after all...my irreplaceable and God-sent sister. I permit it because I deserve it. I bombarded her with my embarrassing and obtuse actions to begin with. But why did I hurt her if I value our relationship this much? It wasn’t deliberate, but that’s another story to tell.

But still she puts her mind into it. She puts sense into my dim-witted blind spots. She’s extremely hurt but forgiving. Makes me all the more worse about myself when I recall my stupidity and lack of a better judgment. She handles it with dignity. I admire her for that.

Taking full responsibility for my actions...blaming no one...not even him. No point dwelling in the past but I have learned a great deal. It’s time to look forward for the chance to try again...to prove my worth and my sincerity. I’m smarter this time...no more blind spots about the issue. I can now play the role with greater understanding of its meaning...appreciating its value...and knowing its depth.

I am very hopeful but also very scared. She gives me pieces of her confidence...slowly but surely. And I continue praying not just for me but for my dearest friends as well...for all of us...for we are all in this together. We are our people. We support each other. That’s the way it should have been...should be...and will ever be.

The Many Faces of Hope

Do you know what the face of hope looks like?

Hope has many faces.

Though I can’t describe them in words for they are far too many for me to dwell on, I look at these images and I see hope...

I rest my hope with my faith in God…that in His time things will be revealed to me.

Right now, I have to forgive myself…for me. I have to look forward. I cannot dwell with what might have been. I have to accept this and rise from it though I carry a heavy heart. I must. And I’ll keep telling this to myself. But this load…He will carry for me because I am weak and lost without Him. And so I turn to Him.

But all of the atonements have been dealt with painstakingly before I have decided to pardon my faults.

I am a face of hope.


*images taken from:
www.worldofstock.com/closeups/
www.avidami.wordpress.com
www.ourownvoice.com

Letting It Out

It’s quite busy at work right now. I keep my silence but my mind is screaming, my heart wants to burst. It really hurts. I want to breakdown right here, right now…but they wouldn’t understand…it’s a personal issue that I shouldn’t be bringing with me to work. And so I write just to let it all out. Tears keep falling but I’m trying to regain composure. It’s really hard to pretend but they do not notice. It’s better this way.

Listening to my iPod trying to block-off the thoughts of what transpired to last night’s mourning and what was on the mind of a very aggrieved friend. And I carry this burden because I am not sure if I am the only one who shares her pain to those of us who know the whole story and the two or many sides of it all…I hope not. I do not want to make excuses anymore or analyze and reason out my confusion and my actions at that time, because it won’t make the situation any better…it won’t make my mistakes seem reasonable…she won’t accept it…I do not accept it either. At the very end of it all I know I did wrong no matter how they or I try to make it seem…I did wrong no matter how things actually did happen. Just no more excuses and just accept fault. I am sorry, ashamed, and stupid for doing what I did or did not do.

Why is this happening? Why does it have to be her? Why me? Why? Why? Why?

So many thoughts racing through my mind right now and it confuses and hurts me all the more. I need a breather. I need a quiet time to think, to be still…so I can hear Him clearly.

Still hopeful. Praying really hard for it.

Lessons Learned

We live with expectations. No question about that.

Our expectations are based on the trust we have established.

These trusts aren’t only words or thoughts made up. It is with faith, honor, respect, value, consideration, hope and love.

So what happens when our expectations are not met?

What happens when our expectations on that trust bend?

All that talk about honor, respect, value, consideration, hope and love goes down the drain.

We are left with broken hearts.

We are left with utter confusion.

We are left with the question why?

We are left jaded with explanations that lead to the tragic experience.

We are left with hard realizations.

We are left with extreme remorse.

Lessons learned.

But there is no quick fix to healing wounds.

Trying to repair the damage done through rebuilding of trust. Giving it freedom of time.

So again…living with expectations…can’t really control that…because I am hopeful.

Our Greatness is a Silent Cry of Victory

Our journey seems like forever… as our search for answers and truth to many questions never ends… surmountable like the vast and deep oceans. Nothing in this world will ever satiate our hearts and minds burning with vigor. So let us be – free as a flying bird… free as a woman shaving her head… free as if no one is watching; wild with imagination; creative expressions in manner of words... thoughts... ideas... shapes... fashion… movement… captured moments… painted realities... dreams... and understanding; discovering the unknown; passionate with our heart’s desires. We must never be satisfied because man has yet to discover his full potential… because we must prepare ourselves… because we must toil to endure and rise from all sorts of storm in our lives. We must never be satisfied from the mediocrity man has established. We must never be afraid to breakaway from stereotypes, rather recognize that we must toil, endure and rise because we are all destined for greatness. Though the magnitude of our wonderful beings may not be acclaimed by our fellow man because we will not find our satisfaction and sense of fulfillment in him. More often than not, our greatness is a silent cry of victory that only He hears… sees… understands, but then we are content.

What We Have

What we have…it’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong. ‘Coz somewhere along the way…during our misunderstandings and disparate views, we hurt each other more than we think. Yes, we hurt the ones we love and we are hurt more by people we love…sometimes by carelessness or by the desire of perfection.

What we have…it’s about acknowledging our mistakes. It’s about humbling our pride and ego. It’s about saying I’m sorry so we can kiss and make up…and say ‘I love you’. It’s about the feeling of rebirth, new beginnings, that 2^nd or 3^rd or 4^th or 5^th chance of renewed promises and restored dreams…that for a moment we thought we’ve lost, broken in bleak darkness.

What we have…it’s what we have fought for. It’s what we have built strong from its very base…the roots that have seeped deeper and deeper that they may never break us apart. Only we have the power to do so.

Where shall we rest that power? To Him do we entrust everything. What we have…it is Him.

What we have…it is love. Our packages that we have brought together…that which we have laid upon ourselves.

What we have…we are the masters of it. We are the author of our story…the actors in our story.

What we have…it is you and I.

Sun is Shining...Weather is Sweet...Yeah!

…the following day, I wake up to an alarming sound…my phone alarm that says 5:45AM.

To wake or to sleep? That is the question…

I snoozed the alarm and decided to lay and close my eyes for mere 5 minutes. Ok, good.

…all dressed up…ready for the world…the melancholic weather…fast cars…annoying jeepnies…bad traffic! I thought to myself, “Late nanaman ako”! Hehehe.

…surprisingly, the world was half asleep…the weather looking fine (so far)…fast cars indeed…annoying jeepnies still…very light traffic (no school)…wow!

It was a blissful ride while listening to the local radio…Magic 89.9…I’m an avid listener to their morning show.

And the song by Bob Marley just came over me…as I sing…

“Sun is shining, the weather is sweet, yeah

Make you wanna move your dancing feet now

To the rescue here I am

Want you to know, ya’ll, can you understand?”

…and now I sit on my office chair…sip my coffee…look out the window…

hmmm…no sign of rain yet…so I hum to the tune of the song once more…

Wake up Manila! The sun is shining...the weather is sweet...yeah!

Our Guarantee

We muse a great deal to what is worldly… impart sense to earthly desires. Because depositing efforts to the ideals are just too much to handle…as if unreachable by our mere essence. But this is refuted that our mere essence are indispensable for our value that we are created in His image and likeness. Knowing this gives me a great deal of respect…that indeed impossible to Him is nothing…that we must put our faith in Him…winning our battles for us…guaranteed!

What Equals 100% in Life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer the question:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%


Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!


*Got this from a forwarded E-mail with subject: Beauty of Math

The Vicenarian Song

After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I’m an expert on Shakespeare and that’s a hell of a lot
but the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I’m hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.

Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers? Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.

Maybe I’ll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.

I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.

Maybe I'll just fall in love that could solve it all,
philosophers say that that’s enough,
there surely must be more. Ooooh

Love ain’t the answer nor is work,
the truth eludes me so much it hurts.
But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.

doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah

I’m a twenty something.
Let me lie in, Leave me alone.
I’m a twenty something.

doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah

Twentysomething written & sung by Jamie Cullum