Wake Me Up Sunshine!

Head spinning round and round.

Mind thinking…concentrate.

Thoughts racing, overwhelmed…

Need to fathom in words.

Feet pacing, keep moving!

Heart beating, assurance…

Of a poor hapless soul.

Hand tapping in hollowness.

I maybe alive and breathing but my soul…oh soul! I need to feed you with life.

Faith, Hope & Love are the only things that keep me going…that keep me sane.

I’m losing it, I’m losing it.

Need to keep my head above water.

Everything is shutting down.

Can’t think straight…

Can’t concentrate…

Can’t comprehend…

Can’t move..

Can’t breathe.

I need to be still.

I need to rest.

I need to lay down.

Need to close my eyes.

Breathe in, breathe out…

Breathe in, breathe out…

In…out…

Wake me up until it’s time…the right time.

Wake me up sunshine!

I need for you to touch my face

With your warm bright rays.

I need to remember what’s good.

And sunshine you’re my reminder of hope

For ‘tis another day…the 1^st miracle of my day.

Ignorance & Responsibility

Ignorance is not an excuse.

We are all responsible for our actions. Whatever we did or said, whatever we have and own we should be responsible for.

As an educated person or rather as an able person, we should know better. I should know better. We should not let other people take advantage of our ignorance. When in doubt never hesitate to ask why. It can save you. Don’t rush into things. Think first...always. Don’t let anyone pressure you on time. Don’t allow yourself to be bullied or intimidated by anyone. You have a choice. Think. Ask.

Shame on those people taking advantage of the weak. You should be punished. I will not allow myself to be taken advantage off the second time around. I have learned my lesson. Thank You for teaching me even though I learned it the hard way. It was tough but You were by my side through people dear to me.

Now I’ll be more careful, be more responsible.

I’d like to think that there is good in all of us, that our intentions are clean, that my judgment on others is based on this unless proven otherwise. Yes, there is good in all of us. But out of desperation and unclear thoughts we do things. We damage others and ourselves. But as I said, as an able person, we should know better. I should know better. Whatever damage done to me, I took part in it, and I am partly to be blamed because I have responsibility with whatever I did or said, whatever I have and own.

Thank You for saving me this time…once again.

Food for Thought

I walk behind the shadows of the people walking in the light.

Moving in slow motion where everything around me moves fast.

My mind is asleep in the fresh morning.

My mind is awake in the somber night.

I like to listen as you speak.

I like to speak if you would listen please.

I breathe in the smoky air and exhale meaningless words.

I become wise out of confused thoughts.

I turn to His solace but refuse to listen.

Why?

Why can’t I walk with my own shadow?

Why can’t I walk in my own light?

Why can’t I keep up to pace?

Why are we in a hurry?

Why don’t we speak?

Why don’t we listen?

Listen! Speak up!

Breathe. Breathe.

Breathe in the fresh air.

Breathe in the life.

A few words mean so much more than a hundred words that are empty.

For actions speak louder than words.

Crossroads

I’m at the crossroad with a big question mark over my head. I’m at the point of having to decide what I should do for the rest of my career life. At my age, I can be anything I want, do anything I please, be anywhere I wish. Or not!

The point is, I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’m pretty much sure that a lot of people my age or so are at a similar crossroad I’m in. It’s what they call the ‘quarter life crisis’ (I'm getting there hehe). This is the right time to stop, think and choose our paths. I think this is the best time while we are young, while our hearts are on flame. But of course it’s always never too late. But we have to seize the right opportunities.

We are always given, not one, but many chances I believe. Everyday is a chance. Everyday there is opportunity. What chances are we taking in our everyday lives? What opportunities did we grab yesterday? What about today or tomorrow?

Right now, this very instant I’m at a standstill in this crossroad. Yes, I’m working. I have a stable job that offers decent benefits, good environment and a company that treats its people well. That’s all great but looking beyond this, I have to ask myself, “is this what I want to do for the rest of my career life?” Where has my passion for my work gone too? Why am I not fulfilled?

Oh, eager spirits that we are! We are always, always in a hurry. I am trying to understand this feeling of mine. Patience is not one of the virtues I’m good at. I hastily want to be on top. For me, unfortunately, it’s not the case. I have to work hard, gain experience, and prove my value...slowly and painstakingly!

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe I’m being tested for my patience. Maybe I really do have to endure all these so I can better appreciate what God has blessed me with. I have to earn it this time because He has been very, very, very and I mean VERY good to me.

I will not falter to this challenge. Though I’m at a standstill, I’m still gaining much knowledge that can help me choose. I need to change for the better and equip myself with the necessary tools I need along the way. This transformation is vital in deciding what road to take. Yes! Maybe this standstill is a good thing. It’s giving me enough time for me to realize what I really want.

So for the mean time, I’m at a standstill in this crossroad. I’m just going about the things I have to do. I just do what I’m told. ‘For the mean time’ seems like a thousand years! But I will try my best to be patient and look at things on the brighter side. After all, I am still very blessed. I am here for a reason. And the reason, right now, only God knows. But in time it will unfold, piece by piece. Everyday, as I question myself and pray to God to send me my ‘sweet fat chocolate’ the answer is being revealed to me. Slowly but surely the pieces of the puzzle will fit and everything will make sense. Everything is worthwhile. No regrets.

So I thank God for yet another crossroad in my life. As we encounter it, we are given the opportunity to choose. The decision is ours as we exercise and express our freedom. And in choosing our path we are given ample time to decide. So being in this crossroad isn’t so bad after all. Let’s just set our goals and priorities straight and make sure we exercise our freedom so as not to prolong our state of seemingly futile crossroad. For if we take too much time, we may have already missed out on our opportunity.

My Heart's Desire

Going through life’s everyday motions, I find myself following the movements of the crowd where I don’t standout. Moving without thinking. Moving without feeling. Moving with the callous movements of the body. We are enslaved...the slave drivers of the corporate world where we are hardly recognized for our efforts. Results, results, results are all that matters. Well of course it matters! Now I know what, “I feel boxed in”, means. I know how it feels like.

The passion that’s burning inside me is slowly dying. Shortly, my light will be out...my gas, empty. Fill me up. But I have yet to blossom. I’m on the verge of surrendering.

-----“Dare to be different.”-----

-----“Challenge the status quo.”-----

These are some of the things we often hear but seldom take upon ourselves. In fear of the unknown we submit to the pressures. We let the crowd carry our feet and let them think and answer for us. We shut up and so we are shut out. Our privilege to speak our minds rot inside us but then we frequently worry about everything else.

It’s true that benefits are enticing but you really have to love what you are doing. When you work, your job and yourself must be in harmony in order to be productive.

Am I to blame for this lack of enthusiasm? I need to find my heart’s desires. Still searching for my sweet fat chocolate!

Move with the motions of your heart’s desires. Move with passion.

Standout. Be different. Challenge the status quo.

The question is...are we bold enough?

Sweet Fat Chocolate

What can I do in this box?

Motivate me!

What am I doing here?

Remind me. Give me a good reason.

What excites you?

What keeps a person going?

How does he drag himself to work?

How do you keep yourself together?

Teach me, I beg of you!

Everyday I need my constant reminder.

I think I need to search for my “bouquet of flowers” too.

Or my “stars”! I need a sign!

Divine intervention!

What do you think?

Since I’m a sucker for chocolates,

I will pray to God everyday

to send me my sweet fat chocolate!

Sweet fat chocolate! Sweet fat chocolate!

Are you my sweet fat chocolate?

Is this my sweet fat chocolate?

Lord, please send me my sweet fat chocolate!
I need my motivation, my inspiration, my reason.

Wishing You Well

My Creative Zen Micro is broken =(

It slipped out of its case and landed on the tiled floor while I was standing in my room. I turned it on but it hanged to the startup logo screen and I heard this annoying beeping sound. Damn! I broke it! I just remembered it was out of warranty. Shit!

So I went to the store where I bought it and asked about their paid services or of Creative’s support center. It’s in faraway-from-me Manila! But this guy from the shop told me to download the firmware and see if my computer detects the hardware so I can upgrade it ‘coz it just might be the problem. Yes! My hopes were up.

So I tried that but my laptop can’t detect the damn hardware. So I went to another shop and asked about support for the damn thing. The guy there told me that there is a P1000 fee of having it checked by Creative – repaired or not! The hell, right!?! Then Moses asked what the problem might be with the player and he said it might be the motherboard and it costs P5000! I was like, no way! How much do these things cost nowadays anyway. And there are a lot other cheaper mp3 players out there. I said never mind, I’ll think about it.

So I thought about getting it fixed in a cell phone repair shop or the like but my gadget-guru officemate told me he’d try to fix it. Right now he’s doing just that with the help of Creative Discussion Forums. So far he’s doing the “Caveman Method”, which a lot of the people in the forum said was a success. Hahaha! Actually the “Caveman Method” and bringing it to the service center are the only solutions by far!

The “Caveman Method” is banging or rather tapping the player really hard with your palm or on the table. Yikes! Poor Zen Micro! But in fairness, there’s progress! =p I just hope it’ll work again!

Wishing you well... please work...work! work! work!
Until then.

Fixing Myself

“Grow up”, he said. “Take responsibility”. Those words lingered in my head as I cried myself to sleep one night...

“If you love someone, set him free.”

I came to ponder on the saying. It doesn’t mean saying ‘good-bye’ or parting from your love one. It simply means giving your partner a ‘little space’. By ‘little space’, those words sound intimidating...it is scary to hear those combinations of words for crying-out-loud! It’s like an introduction for breaking up with someone. But no because, in another sense, I believe it means allowing your partner to think for himself without you dictating what he might do in certain situations (influence perchance). The consequences you (both) just have to face after. But allow your partner to make the decision in his own free will. Give him the chance to prove himself. Let him take responsibility for his own actions. Let him! Because he still has to learn...he has to grow, sometimes on his own...even though it’s the hard way. Though you are united in one love, you still think independently. You interpret things in different ways. You’re still two beings. So let him. If you love someone, don’t hold him by the neck. If he loves you enough he is yours and you just have to trust him to make the right decision for the sake of you both.

But what about intoxication...what if he’s not sober?

“I want to be there for you (when you get drunk) so I can take care of you. I want to protect you because I wouldn’t know what to do if something (bad) happened to you”.

You love him that much that you want to be overly protective of him and of your relationship. But no matter how much you love him and no matter how much your happiness depends on him, as if the world will crumble if you lose him, you don’t own him. And he can still hurt you by what he says or do, consciously or unconsciously. What’s frustrating the most is that if you make a mistake, 1 out of 10, the nine good and responsible decisions you’ve made wouldn’t matter because of that one mistake. One mistake! One mistake and it’s all over. All hopes and dreams and the trust shatters into pieces like a broken glass. No matter how much you try to put the pieces back together, you can never bring it back. Love is just not enough anymore.

“You have a choice. Bad things or temptations can be avoided”.

It hurts. It hurts to say that I didn’t allow you to protect me the way you wanted to. It hurts to say that I hurt you badly. It hurts to realize that I made some awful decisions and allowed things to happen that I shouldn’t have. It hurts to say that I didn’t do anything to vindicate myself...or you...or us. It hurts me so that I kept it from you. The guilt I just couldn’t bear.

I had to take a chance and come out clean because I wouldn’t want to continue lying to you...to myself. I’m bad and so ashamed of what I did. But I have to face this. I have to face you...your anger, your hurt and the consequences. I have to risk it because it’s the only way I can be free. I have to lay my cards down and show you all the beauty and ugliness in me. I have to know if you are willing to accept all that. If you can still accept me...

And you did. You do accept me...everything that I am. And I let out a heavy sigh of relief. As if this big cross I carry around became half the load. It’s because you carried the other half. And what’s great about it is that you are giving me the chance to recuperate from this bug I have. You’re allowing me to fix myself, and not you, fixing me. You’re giving me my chance, my opportunity, my freedom to show you what I’m made of...to show you how responsible I’ve become...for you, for me, for us. I just have to prove it. Show it. Let you feel it. These I vowed to myself.

“What do you want me to do?”, I asked you.

In return, you asked of me, “Because I am hurt, allow me to heal from the pain. I love you, and that will never change. I will not tell you what to do but please understand what I’m going through. Love me the way you love me and because you love me. That is all”.

The Perpetrator

Love is the reason for all this frenzy! Either you’re happy or disappointed with your love life. Sometimes, you don’t even care. Some cope by drinking sessions, partying ‘til the break of dawn, shopping spree, pigging out, working overtime and other sorts of distraction.

Yes, distraction. We all need some sort of diversion from love. If not, it will consume you. You can’t always focus on it. There are other things to mind. I’m not saying it’s not important. For me it’s a blessing from God. But this is not everything there is to in life. We have our priorities and obligations. We still have to use our heads. We still have to grow to the fullest of our abilities.

But love is stubborn! It will find you, it will hit you, and it will make you vulnerable. Sometimes it will make you weak, though sometimes strong. It will blind you, though it can also open your eyes to things that are beautiful. It will cage you, but it can also bring you to a different world…to heaven! Though love can be careless, it is also responsible. It’s still your choice. What will it be? Be the perpetrator of love and not make it as an excuse of your qualms.

The Tale of the ‘Monologues Of A Twenty Something...'

I do a lot of daydreaming. I stare at the computer screen blankly. Position my hands as if I were about to type or hold the mouse in one hand and the other positioned on the keypads ready to press Alt+Tab in case my boss goes over my cubicle. Major pretending to be busy (lol)!

Then sometimes thoughts just run through my head and I get this yearning to type in my feelings. Looking for the right words, sometimes highfaluting, I press down Shift+F7 so it will look or sound nice and also I can add words to my vocabulary.

I play these monologues inside my head (sometimes debating with myself) of what was, what is and what I hope would be, based on my experiences and of what I have seen, heard or read. I try my best to translate them into words, and then read them silently to my satisfaction.

I share it to the world because I have a story to tell. And my story I hope will somehow inspire, affect, and bring joy to my readers or to those who have come across it.

My Only Hope

Emptiness. It’s what I feel whenever I’m alone. I try to color my life with rainbow but this vacuum leaves me longing and wanting for more. I devour like it’s an addiction I must satisfy. Alas, it dissipates and I’m empty once more.

Madness. Everyday I fight for my sanity. I wake up mechanically as mind and body collide. What is out there? What is my place in this world? What will become of me? At the back of my head I worry about these questions. We are all afraid but we embark upon it alone. I look for answers and it becomes my obsession.

Hopefulness. All other things are uncertain except for that one thing I hold dear. My God, my God, my God! My faith in God. I pray that I don’t lose this hope. My one and only hope.

Happiness. By simply loving and being loved. It is the greatest feeling in the world whether mental, physical, spiritual. I am affirmed and appreciated. I am given meaning and reason for my existence. My faith in God is mirrored through my love. My love for you and my love who is you. This is my love of happiness and happiness of love.

And because of my love I am no longer empty but contented. This madness of mine becomes a delightful endeavor. My hope remains to be my hope so I can keep this gift of happiness.

My Little Box

I see the world in this little box of mine
Where my life revolves.
It’s this little island called the Philippines.
A place where I grew up and will most likely end up
For the rest of my life.

But every now and then I will travel
And witness the world outside my box
To experience life the way I am not accustomed to.
And I will enjoy it
Every bits and pieces of the moment.

Then I will realize how wonderful life is
Inside and outside my box.
That my world is not just in this little box of mine.
That I can be anywhere in the world I like
And I can call it my own.

I will learn to value what I have
And appreciate the people I’ve met along the way.
Then little by little I will open my box
To let the world in
To let my world out.

And so this little box of mine
Will simply have to give way
To the breadth of life.
My world will no longer be in this little box
But something bigger, something better.

Beautiful Brown China Eyes

I look at him
and see a beautiful man in front of me.
I am drawn...hypnotized...
can’t take my eyes off of him.
He drowns me with
his beautiful brown china eyes of his.
And I stare back.

He speaks to me without saying a word.
He feels me without touching me.
He hears me without words out of my mouth.
He sees me with his beautiful brown china eyes.

He sees the world and he shows me the wonderful life.
He sees love and he lets me feel his love.
He sees me and he makes me a better person.
And I see it all through his beautiful brown china eyes.

Happy

3 things that make me most happy…

1. When you're happy.
2. When I'm with you.
3. When you're proud of me.
   

The Loving Forgiveness Of A Father

Your mind is clouded with anger, irritation or whatever negative feeling you may have towards someone or something.
Then you react based on the situation.
Your reason is overshadowed with great feelings and emotion.
You tend to say something harsh or do something stupid.
After everything that was said and done the conflict remains.
You lock yourself up in your room to cool your head and ponder on the incident.
You try to reflect and recall what transpired.
Then you realize the lapse in judgment…the mistakes made.
You come to your senses and accept fault.
You humble yourself and think of ways to make it up.
You pray and muster strength to combat pride within you.
And if successful, you come into terms with the conflict.
“I’m sorry.”
You blurted out softly and shyly at first.
“Ok.” was the instant reply you got.
You repeat it but this time you’re filled with guilt and you meant every word.
You hoped for a favorable response of forgiveness as your watery eyes trickled down into tears.
You try to hide it but couldn’t handle the shame of disrespect.
So you pleaded by crying and leaning the head on the shoulder.
That little drama helped a lot in gaining sympathy, but it was heartfelt and real.
You began to sob uncontrollably because of an embrace.
It was the embrace of forgiveness and love of a loving father to a child that strayed.
You wondered how great his love must be as he welcomed you into his arms and forgot about the hurt caused.
The conflict was resolved and the resolution was not to hurt him like that again.
And so you try your best to be a good daughter…for him and his great love…because he deserves it and because you love him dearly.
Then you treat him to Starbucks to make sure everything’s back to normal and more.
And indeed it was! ☺

Unhappy

I want to leave!
I want to get out of here!
I'm not happy here!
I'm not myself here!
I just hurt the people close to my heart.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I want to stop!

Time

I want to turn back time and make up for the moments lost and wasted.
I want to freeze time to this wonderful fleeting moment of joy.
I want to fast forward time to the day I am yours and you are mine forever!

The Reason

You’re my reason why...
...........................my life is so colorful.
...........................I tamed my vices.
...........................I try my very best to be patient.
...........................I look forward to tomorrow.
...........................I struggle to be the best I can be and improve.
...........................I feel so lucky and blessed.
...........................I feel loved and important.
...........................I hope and dream.
...........................I want to look my best.
...........................I want to be loyal.
...........................I want to have a family.
...........................I want to live my life.
...........................I love and my life is full of spirit.
You’re my reason for everything.
You’re my reason for my happiness.
I wouldn’t exchange you for the world!

I Love You

I love you more than love itself.
It is not confined in the words of what it means.
It is beyond my comprehension.
It’s unconditional love.
Sometimes I don’t understand nor can I explain it.
It’s not a mystery for me to solve.
It’s not just this feeling.
I love you because I choose to love you.
But love…oh love!
It took over me.
And it feels oh so wonderful.
I like it!

***image https://www.fireworksarcade.com/images/love-heart.jpg

Lovers and Haters

Do you have to hate the person you love in order to move on?

He must have had done something awful to deserve your hatred. Because if not, how do you grow to hate the person you love?

You form thoughts in your head…thoughts that will justify the reasons for hating him. And so you dig in to his flaws and try to bury the happy memories. You force yourself to do this – reasoning out and analyzing everything that was said and done beating yourself from loneliness. Some things are pointed out and exaggerated. We believe the things we want to believe. We cry then harden ourselves. We find fault in him because this is the easiest way to cope with the heartache.

Hate is a powerful word. It comes deep within the person. It grows through time.

I’ve been hated once like this before…hated to be forgotten. And he felt he needed to do it for himself. I thought it was unfair of him because I felt I didn’t really do anything to deserve it. Because I thought I was clear from the very beginning that I just wanted to be friends.

But it was his way of coping…because he needed to forget about me in order to move on with his life…so he would stop expecting. It worked for him he said. But fate had its way. When our hearts met the second time around, there was something there I thought I never had…I thought I had lost…almost. He thought he hated me…thought he’d forgotten about me, but it all came rushing back. And now we’ve been together ever since.

So how can you hate the person you love when the person you thought you’d learn to hate, you actually still love? Always have I suppose…

You can’t really hate the person you love…well not totally. The heart can be independent from the brain sometimes. When you love, you love with your heart. But when the heart is broken, you try to protect it with all you can…and the brain somehow dictates how the heart should feel. It will feel the rationalizations and the logical explanations of the head. So no matter how much you still love the person, reason will direct you to forget and move on…it will dismiss the feelings of the heart. How will you do this? The easiest way is to hate the person so as not to prolong your suffering. And so you train yourself to dislike the person until eventually you learn to abhor him. Once you’ve done so…the heart stops beating for him. And you will congratulate yourself for doing so because now you can say that you have moved on. Or so you thought…

Because now, you only learned to hate him but not really forget about him. And I am not quite certain how far you can go in ‘moving on’ with hate lingering inside you. This is why, they say, the ‘exes’, (especially those who had bad break-ups and great expectations burst) can never be friends…only in civility perhaps…those who have not lost each others’ respect. So no, I don’t believe you should hate the person you love in order to move on.

You can say, however, that you stopped expecting. And so the feeling fades and maybe…just maybe…love fades with it. Until the heart heals and until you learn to accept…only time can tell. But this, at least, is a good basis of moving on. Accept and not expect…but never be a hater of love.